


for love

by junhoism



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, alternate canon - set after produce ep 11, crackish, memory loss!au, references to broduce
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2018-12-19 09:06:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11894499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junhoism/pseuds/junhoism
Summary: You’d expect it to happen on a Friday, or a Sunday, because those are the exciting days. Maybe even a godforsaken Monday, if you’re unlucky. It makes more sense than a Wednesday, in every sense.But no. Bae Jinyoung wakes up smack dab in the middle of the week - a Wednesday - with no recollection of the past six months. He doesn't even know his casting on Broduce got confirmed.All he has is (what he thinks is) a measly 10 months of training to his name but somehow, Park Jihoon's name on his lips.





	1. space

"Jihoon.” 

♡ 

The first thing Jinyoung sees when he opens his eyes is a face looming over his own. He should be creeped out, but the first thing that comes to his mind is - _Oh. Pretty._

“Jinyoungie, you're finally awake,” the pretty boy murmurs. Jinyoung should be freaking out - how does he know him? The pretty boy passes him a cup filled with warm water, which he can't help but gratefully accept. 

There’re so many things Jinyoung should be wary of, in the situation, but for some reason, he isn't. Why is he at ease with this dude? He blinks, not recognising the room he’s in. It’s a lot cleaner and more well-kept than his dorm room, though, that’s for sure. 

“How are you feeling?” The boy in front of him asks anxiously. “Do you want me to call Jisung-hyung? Manager-”

“Manager,” Jinyoung manages out, cutting Pretty Boy off softly. 

“Okay, but I can’t leave you alone in the room right now. You might relapse and faint again while I’m gone.” He gets up anyway, presumably to call someone to look after Jinyoung. 

Timing seems to be on his side now though, while Jinyoung briefly wonders what day it is. A blonde head of hair peeks out from where the door pushes open, and a young boy peers into the room. 

“Is Jinyoung-hyung awa- Oh my god, you are. Thank god, we were so worried because you were so out of it last night.” He says at rapid fire speed, quickly giving Jinyoung a once-over from the door. 

Nodding, Jinyoung still doesn't quite comprehend what the blonde was saying. He’d never seen them before...

“Daehwi, stay here with Jinyoung while I get Manager-hyung. Jinyoung wants to speak to him.” Pretty boy turns and flashes Jinyoung a smile, and the latter can't seem to stop himself from blurting out- 

“Thank you for watching over and taking care of me…” He starts slowly, watching their expressions carefully. “But who did you say you were?” 

Jihoon’s eyeballs almost fall out of their sockets at Jinyoung’s genuinely lost expression, and Daehwi falls to the floor with a thud. 

♡ 

“Don’t you think it was a little bit of an overreaction?” Woojin asks to no one in particular, all while narrowing his eyes at Jinyoung, as if assessing him. He shrinks into the gaze, swallowing nervously. 

“Thought it was pretty appropriate, especially for Daehwi,” Daniel muses. 

Everyone’s looking at Jinyoung, who can't do anything but helplessly stare at his lap. He doesn't really know anyone here, although they all seem to be familiar with him, judging from the way they call him fondly. 

Even after calling and talking to his C9 manager, he still feels uneasy. After taking a breather in the dorm - his dorm? - toilet, he feels even worse. It feels so foreign, and he can’t quite wrap his head around it all. Wanna One? Idol group? What? 

Reaching out to touch his orange hair, he feels like he’s a different person. Where was his black shaggy hair? The rest look at home in the living room, while he stands in a stranger in his own dorm. 

“You know, I thought DeepDark was eradicated from existence after Oh Little Girl,” Daniel says, jutting his chin out to beckon at Jinyoung. “But it seems like Jinyoung didn't kill it off, he just started hiding it really well.” 

“Jinyoung-hyung was abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone robot from his DeepDark days, a conspiracy theory,” Kuanlin grins. The joke goes unappreciated because Daehwi wasn’t around, still resting after his faint. Instead, he receives a shove from Sungwoon and a sharp ‘Not the time!’ from Minhyun.

Jisung finally appears from the kitchen, where he was talking to the manager, a stiff Jihoon in tow. The leader slumps onto the sofa, emotionally spent. “Okay. Let’s introduce ourselves to Jinyoung before we start talking.

“Yoon Jisung. Leader of Wanna One, the group you're in now after placing 10th on Produce 101. Do you recall any of this? We have a doctor on the way with your manager, Jinyoung.” 

He can feel Jihoon’s gaze on him even as the older sits furthest away from him. He shakes his head no, still processing everything. “Wait, I got into Produce?” 

“Yeah, just said you placed 10th.” 

“No, my application got approved?” He smiles wide, and they’re all surprised at the smile that appeared after hours of looking uncomfortable. 

Jisung blinks. “Wait, application? What do you last remember you did?” 

“I sent in my application yesterday, when Mnet started casting for Produce Season 2.” 

“Casting started in February,” Daniel points out. “That means…” 

“That means we have... not August 2017 Jinyoung. We have January 2017’s Bae Jinyoung.” 

♡ 

“Jinyoung hyung from January time travelled to August to find out if he made the top 11 without having to go through the struggle,” Kuanlin whispers to Daehwi excitedly. “My second conspiracy theory today!” 

Daehwi groans. “How is this even real? Did Jinyoung-hyung hate us so much that he wished he could forget us?” 

“Don’t be dumb,” Kuanlin replies leisurely. “Jinyoung-hyung isn’t tormented on the inside. That’s Jihoon-hyung, isn’t it? His stress is probably heightened now too, with Jinyoung-hyung forgetting him.”

“He called out to Jinyoung-hyung in this really serious voice, we could hear it from outside. Told him to stop joking around. It’s the most serious I’ve seen him since Produce ended.” 

“I mean look at you,” he shrugs. “You’re already devastated. Can you imagine how he feels?

 

Outside, Minhyun tries to get everyone to sit down after the realization that in fact, Jinyoung didn’t lose his motor skills and all that, just memory of the last eight months. 

“How is that possible?!” Jihoon almost yells. 

Daniel raises an eyebrow in surprise. The closest Jihoon ever went to screaming was during the Boy in Luv preparation, but now it really seemed like he was about to blow his top. 

Over Jinyoung. 

“How could he forget specifically all of Produce? And all that’s left is his training period? What’s gonna happen to our training for the star Bae Jinyoung?” 

He turns to Jinyoung accusingly, who doesn't flinch but stares back incredulously. “How can you have forgotten me?” 

“You were muttering my name just now. In your sleep. Right before you opened your eyes. I swear I didn’t dream that- I really heard you calling out for me.” 

Jinyoung cowers under his stare. He could feel the hurt in Jihoon’s voice and he wants to understand Jihoon's anger but - who was he, anyway? 

“He did,” Minhyun realises. He addresses the entire room, “That’s why I sent Jihoon to look over Jinyoung in the first place. After Jihoon came, the whimpering in his sleep died down a little. It seemed like Jinyoung really needed him.” 

If Jihoon’s ears turn red at that, no one points it out. 

“You’re Park Jihoon..?” Jinyoung breathes, and it’s like time’s stopped. 

All in his dream was that name, ringing incessantly. He didn't have a face to match it to. But now, it made a lot of sense. That Jihoon was the first face he saw when he woke up, that he naturally felt comfortable around Jihoon. 

But Jihoon was talking to a stranger. 

“Yeah, I’m Park Jihoon. Seems like you know me somehow, but _I_ don’t know the Jinyoung in front of me, do I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♡ this isnt Angst i swear.......  
> ♡ still rusty bcs im new to w1?  
> ♡ winkdeep isnt dead/fake ive been fueled by yesterday's showchamp pics  
> ♡ find me on Twitter where i post cheap winkdeep sometimes @neomuverymark


	2. hello stranger

“Dear God, if he could only think of no one else but me…”

♡

In his wake, Jihoon leaves a stunned six people and a disheartened Jinyoung. 

A silence settles on the group, and is only shattered when Daehwi steps into the living room, a hovering Kuanlin behind him. “Okay, enough of this - you're acting as if Bae Jinyoung’s a stranger when in reality, _you_ all are the strangers to him.”

“Jihoon has a point, doesn’t he?” Woojin offers. "I wasn't acquainted to Jinyoung until the cover challenges." 

“We know Jinyoung-hyung, don’t we? A little melancholic on the outside, but playful after opening up. We know him. This is the same guy who feeds you his share, Woojin-hyung. Don’t forget there’s a whole person in this room who’s scared shitless.”

Daehwi scrutinises the skeptical looks from almost everyone in the room. They all deflate under his incredulous gaze, and Jinyoung's impressed at the amount of authority and brain this seemingly weak-hearted kid had.

“You think you’re scared about adjusting preparations? Think about how he feels. We can’t do anything known to man to accelerate his progress but,” Daehwi says, full of determination for his best friend, “We can lessen his burden.”

He marches up to Jinyoung, a wary Kuanlin hot on his trail. “I’m Brand New’s Lee Daehwi. You don’t know it yet, but we’re going to be best friends.”

For the first time since he woke up, Jinyoung offers a tentative smile.

Somehow, Daehwi’s magic starts rubbing off, like it always does, and every now and then, someone would find Jinyoung and have a little conversation. Minhyun finds him first, as Jinyoung looks through his closet.

“Jinyoung-ah.”

He finds Minhyun waiting pensively at the door as if asking for permission. Jinyoung nods. “Hyung.”

“This is Minhyun-hyung. Pledis’ Hwang Minhyun. Do you… remember?”

Jinyoung tries hard not to let Minhyun’s disappointment get to him when he shakes his head. This disappointment is stifling, first seeing it in Jihoon’s eyes then in Minhyun’s, even when he can’t do anything about it. He wants to remember, but can’t.

“That’s alright. We have a whole year and a half for you to come back to us. There’s no rush, okay?” Minhyun smiles reassuringly, and Jinyoung sees the sincerity resound.

“It may seem to you like we’re waiting on a miracle, Jinyoung. But even miracles take a little time.”

So Jinyoung follows that advice on his own and tries to give Jihoon all the time and space he needs. (He doesn’t quite realize it yet, that maybe, he considers Jihoon his miracle.)

♡

Jihoon tries to let time wash over him, burying himself in hours of practice. Not that he doesn't spend far too long in the mirrored rooms in the first place - but now there isn't a certain bright-eyed boy who’d coax him out for a meal or a well-deserved break.

He doesn’t mean to lose his temper on Jinyoung. It’s just the easiest to blame it on someone who’s just there and accepting, as Jinyoung is. He tries to hold back, but when Kuanlin and Daehwi try to convince him to be a little less hostile and a little more civil towards Jinyoung, all he can spit is:

“I’m tired of waiting for a miracle.”

(To which Kuanlin whispers to Daehwi after Jihoon storms out, “It’s literally been two days.”)

He just misses Jinyoung a lot, okay?

♡

Over the days, each member would come up and introduce themselves to Jinyoung again, start over and become familiar. Sometimes they consciously have to remind themselves that this Jinyoung won’t get all the references they make, but it’s obvious they’re trying.

What they say vary of course from -

 

“Not Hong Seongwoo or Song Seongwoo, but _Ong_ Seongwoo.”

“Yeah, I think I got that the first three times you said it, hyung.”

\- to -

“Who left this wrapper here? Do you think I’m gonna clean up after you all the - oh, it’s Jinyoung? Okay never mind; Jinyoung, take your time.”

“No, Jaehwan-hyung, I can do this. I’m not having _that_ kind of difficulties.”

 

\- and lastly -

 

“Woojin-hyung? You’ve been staring at my drink for three minutes. Do you want to split it?”

“Oops. I forgot I have to be more obvious because you aren't used to my subtle signals yet.”

 

So he figures he’ll slowly learn the rest. He joins them in practices again, relearning lines and moves again and again. Jinyoung isn’t a slow learner by any means, but the members all become extra patient with him. All that can heal him is time, in the end.

Some day in between dance practices, Woojin gives a seemingly simple yet brilliant idea - “Hey, Jinyoung. Have you watched Produce 2 yet?” He frowns when Jinyoung shakes his head. 

Daehwi pushes back his hair, considering the suggestion. “Are you sure this would be a good idea? What if he digresses because he sees himself doing things he doesn’t remember at all?”

Sungwoon shrugs, “It’s worth a try. Who knows, it might even accelerate his growth and boost his confidence out of DeepDark again. If his head starts hurting after the first episode, then we’ll stop.”

Turning to Jinyoung, Kuanlin looks at him with a glint his eye. “What do you say, hyung?”

 

That’s how Jinyoung ends up trying to cram 23.5 hours of Broduce in between vocal practices, variety training and dance lessons. Daehwi reminds him not to pressure himself too much into recalling all the times and just enjoy the show.

Jisung drops by halfway into the first episode and starts playing his MMO self, chattering Jinyoung’s ear off. He’s frankly grateful for the distraction. Jihoon appears so much and he’s everywhere. The Jihoon on screen looks expectant and youthful, devoid of any dark eye circles and frowning. 

Daniel makes Produce their bonding time, too, trying to point out little moments and squeeze in behind the scene stories between cuts. It helps Jinyoung forget for a while that he pushed past 91 other boys just to regress. It helps Jinyoung realize that while things may have been different then, it doesn't necessarily make him ostracised now.

 _A matter of time_ \- Kuanlin would call it. Each one of the members had offered their two cents on the episodes they’ve seen Jinyoung watch. Everyone except arguably Produce’s most impactful trainee. "They’re bound to get talking again. It’s not a very big dorm." Kuanlin says, optimistically.

 _"_ But Jihoon-hyung’s purposefully been avoiding Jinyoung-hyung like the plague." Daehwi grumbles. "And you know how he is."

"It’s them," Kuanlin supplies like it’s enough. (It is.) "Do you really think Jihoon-hyung can resist? And if he does resist, well, it’s a big dorm."

♡

Obviously not big enough for Jihoon to hide forever.

It’s literally past two am and Jinyoung’s trying his hardest not to cry at the F rank trainee (Kim Taedong) who climbs his ass up to the A rank when it happens. He hears soft footsteps and tries to quieten his sniffles because no one needs to see him cry and worry. He figures it’s Seongwoo telling him to go to sleep soon, and just tucks his face into his knees.

Lifting his head, Jinyoung sees Jihoon with his One Piece hoodie on with a neck pillow snugly around his neck, and Jinyoung’s brain short circuits, a quiet dialogue playing in his head. He doesn’t know where it comes from, but it’s so loud and all it says is: “Why’re you wearing this again so cutely?!” 

He’d ponder on it more if not for Jihoon stopping short and staring. “Oh. It’s you.” Jinyoung tries his best not to wince at the cold expression.

He lifts the corners of his mouth, trying to subtly wipe the tear tracks on his face. “What’re you doing up so late?”

He’s expecting a sharp _why, isn’t this my dorm too?_ or a tolerant _I could ask you the same_ if he’s lucky. But Jinyoung hasn’t been the luckiest, so what he gets is a quiet

“I don’t know,” Jihoon says, the honesty seeping through doubt. “Somehow I forgot the way away from you.”

Suddenly, Jinyoung believes in miracles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♡ chap title taken from [crucial star - real love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNUkbYuZOng), while title is taken from [giriboy - space flight2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRIwQ4RH1Wo)  
> ♡ find me on twt and my #wannaoneinSG airport thread [here](https://twitter.com/neomuverymark/status/911111607123447809)!  
> ♡ pls comment/kudos if u liked it :^)  
> ♡ huge thanks to char for brainstorming with me tho nothing made it up lol #winkdeepgogossing  
> 


	3. think about love

♡ 

“I don’t know, did he take [Daehwi’s line in Never](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CI2MuLbXV5M&t=0m28s) too seriously?”

♡

Jihoon wakes up in a bed that isn't his. 

It’s deja vu, almost, for the wrong person. He sees himself in Jinyoung’s shoes, opening his eyes to a ceiling that he doesn't find familiar. It’s first instinct to panic, lest they have another unexpected amnesiac on their hands. He remembers every moment of the last night, recounting every time he held his breath and gauged Jinyoung’s reaction. 

Then he retains what landed him on the couch. A smile makes its way onto his face, and he lies there for a little longer, content. Finally, things were starting to repair themselves and fit. It was a little like a puzzle that finally amended. Jihoon considered himself and Jinyoung to be an unsolved puzzle, too. Very challenging and time and brain-power consumed like a vacuum, but definitely worth it. 

They were worth it, Jihoon could attest to that. 

Soon enough, the members’ waking becomes more apparent as Jaehwan’s strumming starts and Daniel’s boisterous laughter is heard. It’s no surprise -- if Jihoon is awake, then most of the members should be too. He realizes Jinyoung wasn't near him when he woke up, and Jihoon sits up. It was odd that the one of the two sleeping beauties of the group got up before the other. 

Even when Jihoon was avoiding Jinyoung, they both woke up at around the same times. It was a habit that stayed from Broduce era, staying up together to talk or practise having synced their body clocks. It got them into trouble before, but not anything they couldn't withstand together. 

Yawning openly, Jihoon stretches and his shirt rides up. Daniel wolf whistles, choosing that exact moment to pass by. It’d usually be at then when Jinyoung would poke the exposed skin and _tsk_ at Daniel. Jihoon pads into the kitchen, spotting Jinyoung sitting unsuspectingly at the table.

Minhyun sits beside Jinyoung, a chattering Daehwi across from them with a silent and bleary Kuanlin beside him. There's a replaying monologue in Jihoon’s head, one he's been unable to pause, only letting it rewind and play, repeat. 

He draws in a breath, inexplicably nervous. Walking up directly across from Jinyoung, he stretches out his arm. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Park Jihoon.” 

Kuanlin actually locks his phone, closing his fashion application and pocketing the device. The first sign of total attention on Jihoon.

“What…” Daehwi mumbles, conversation successfully interrupted. Minhyun’s hand stills in the air, with his spoon still midway to his mouth, hanging open. He looks at Jinyoung, nudging the younger slightly. Jinyoung shrugs cluelessly in response.

“Uh… What’s going on, hyung?” Jinyoung asks. 

Saying nothing, Jihoon just stretches his hand out again, an invitation for Jinyoung to take it. “What kind of new gimmick is it this time, hyung?” Daehwi complains tiredly. Jinyoung takes the hand, wordlessly humoring him, drinking in Jihoon’s expression. 

“Please treat me well in the future.” Jihoon says, moving their clasped hands up and down. One, up - two, down. Rhythm. Let go. Bow. 

Minhyun gapes, unable to come up with anything appropriate or coherent. 

“You already do,” Jinyoung says, confusion clear. “I _know_ you, Jihoon-hyung.” 

“You don't, but you will.” Jihoon smiles, equal parts tender and triumphant. He marches to the cabinet, humming, the total look of a winner. 

If not for the out-of-place-ness of it all, Daehwi would have squealed and been proud of progress but all he does is squint. “Thank goodness that weirdness is over. Can we eat and talk now? Your drama has made me both hungry and lose my appetite.” 

“See,” Kuanlin whispers. “Aliens. It’s the only plausible explanation.” Oddly enough, Minhyun can't find any fault in that statement. 

There's a ghost of a smile on Jinyoung’s face, a private one that can't quite be decoded. Jihoon is a mirror, giddiness overcoming any possible embarrassment. No one talks about the previous night, the other three in the kitchen only having an inkling of the bare bones. 

They keep it that way. 

Jihoon and Jinyoung fit back together, the rift basically nonexistent. They're seen together more often, and it’s as if nothing ever happened. 

Except, you can't really pretend nothing did -- not when only three of the members got the memo that WinkDeep were back in business. 

 

♡

 

"Be self-conscious later," Jihoon mumbles under his breath, somehow noticing Jinyoung's tension. "For now, just smile and wave."

It's an odd day, the fact that Jinyoung and Jihoon even stand together in line at an official event- true, it's a private event but still- already draws attention. Seongwu attributes it to the fact that Jihoon is even talking to Jinyoung for the pretense of group harmony. Fake it til you make it, right? 

Wrong. Reporters disperse and the staff go off to prepare for the next event, but still Jinyoung and Jihoon are huddled together. They talk in hushed tones, and Jinyoung even _giggles_ at something Jihoon had said. Seongwu raises his eyebrows, forehead creasing. Minhyun comes over a minute later, smoothing the pads of his fingers over Seongwu's forehead.

"What's up... doc?" Minhyun asks, cracking a smile at his own lame joke. Seongwu snorts, not appreciating the dig that he looks like a bunny. His teeth already does that for him, now can Minhyun leave him alone? 

He allows Minhyun to pat down the wrinkles on his forehead. "Don't do that. Your concealer creased." 

Seongwu pays him no mind outwardly, but notes it quietly in his head. He keeps his eyes on the pair that sits directly across him, albeit across the room. The rest of the group pay them no mind, either bustling away or taking the time to find a little shut eye. 

"What?" Minhyun asks, having sat beside Seongwu to see what he was so keenly staring at. 

"What's up with that?"

Seongwu's voice echoes a little too loudly, and Jihoon startles out of his entrancement on Jinyoung's face. He frowns, looking at Seongwu and mouthing a tired _what?_ as the latter does nothing but twist the downward turn of his mouth even more.

It's Minhyun who waves Jihoon off, urging him to go back and play with Jinyoung. Truly the mom of the group. Jihoon says nothing, as he always does when it came to Hwang Minhyun, and returns his attention to whatever Jinyoung was showing him. Minhyun tilts his head and asks, "What?" 

Seongwu's lips curve to the sky at that, and says, "What what what what?" Shaking his head at his own word play, he crosses his legs on the waiting room couch, ignoring Minhyun's objections. "Hyun. I know you're in charge on making me laugh, but can I tell you something really funny?" 

Minhyun beckons his chin. "As always. It's a two-way street, you know." 

From the other side of the room, Jinyoung flinches. Jihoon notices, but says nothing. There was nothing to say, anyway. The older would have flinched too, knowing the very words uttered between Jihoon and Jinyoung barely a month prior. Then he grounds himself-- for Jinyoung’s sake.

"The change in Jihoon overnight is really funny." Seongwu turns to Minhyun challengingly, as if begging him to tell him he's wrong. "Don't you think?"

Minhyun hums contemplatively, and Seongwu suddenly feels exposed. Like his resentment towards Jihoon treating Jinyoung as invisible suddenly defined him as a person. He sniffs, "Right after the events that happened over the past week--" 

"Ong, it's literally been five days." 

"--shouldn't he be ashamed that he's even acting nice to Jinyoung? Just because he's out of the dorm." 

Minhyun hushes Seongwu, but takes his reaction in moderate stride. "You don't know what could have conspired between the two over the past few days. I heard they're in the process of patching things up." 

"I still think it's shameless of Jihoon," Seongwu says. "We followed what Daehwi said. Jinyoung needs time and our consideration. But he’s only doing this now that he’s found something to gain." 

"You're forgetting something." Minhyun says. "Jihoon can't have an ulterior motive." 

"Hyun, I swear, stop being such an optimist. Jihoon is like a rat-- too street smart for his own good." 

"Even a person who’s smart can listen to their heart,” Minhyun counters gently. “Before the events that have happened..." 

"Yeah, like Jinyoung's memory loss? I thought we knew better than to blame him-" 

Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Minhyun continues, “Before the events that have happened. Like before Jinyoung is this Jinyoung, before Jinyoung is Wanna One's member. At the very core of Jinyoung." Minhyun says the words, heavy in the air yet light to release, easily and factually. “Jihoon loves Jinyoung.” 

There aren't any pregnant pauses. It was no surprise. 

“If he loves Jinyoung then why?” Seongwu speaks, low but urgent, suddenly out of breath. “Why would he do that?” 

“Jihoon was thrown off-balance. Think of it as him being momentarily overcome... But he’s obviously working on it right now. He probably needed time to figure some things out. Then again, love never accepts a defeat.” 

Scoffing, Seongwu crosses his arms, dissatisfied. "This Jinyoung is still our Jinyoung, because he exists. Because he _is_. I don't think there's need for any more explanation than that." 

Minhyun shrugs, not offering any more commentary. This was where his expertise as a mere spectator ended.

"Jihoon loves…” Seongwu trails off, beginning to comprehend. Acceptance arrives, replaced by curiosity of reciprocation.

“What about Jinyoung, then?" Seongwu returns his gaze to where the two younger members still were huddled. There was no need to ask what about Jinyoung he wanted to know about. There was only a single question on everyone’s minds, after all. 

"This one?" Minhyun pauses, a loud _the old one was already pretty difficult to read, and yet..._ left unsaid hanging in the air. "I have no idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For [sodubae](archiveofourown.org/users/sodubae).
> 
> if u thought this was gonna be discontinued, bitch u thought!!! some of yall might be thinking “junhoism!!! u completely left out what happened at the end of the last chap!!! we waited half a year!!!” well bro i waited 6 months too ya aint special. jk the next chap (releasing later this week) is abt that whole thing. THANK you for waiting and reading ♡ (especially viv, who reminds me right when i’m abt to forget abt this fic.)
> 
> hmu [@neomuverymark](twitter.com/neomuverymark) on twt.


	4. why i did it

"You should accept people." 

♡

There's static in the air.

It’s the only thing Jinyoung can focus on. There’s a heavy silence, stifling yet familiar to him. He’s at a loss for words at Jihoon’s comment. What should he say, when Jihoon finally said something to him non-condescending, raw and sincere.

_I guess I lost the way away from you._

The older draws his eyes away, dazed from the sleepiness and weight of his words. Then Jinyoung decides to pause his episode, deeming it far less important than any potential conversation with Jihoon. The click of the spacebar snaps Jihoon out from his reverie, and he looks back up at Jinyoung.

Jihoon is no stranger to pained expressions.

After all, his debut on television where he competed against G-Dragon on who could cry in a shorter amount of time, was full of pained expressions. And at that time, Jihoon was seven.

Jinyoung has come to recognize the expression- it was the one Jihoon most often had when he looked at Jinyoung. There was no way to hide the anguish on his face when he did as little as think of Jinyoung. It was a breathtaking expression, the complexity and depth of hurt flashing in Jihoon’s eyes in a single moment.

Jinyoung found that he detested the look on Jihoon’s face.

Lifting his eyes to the ceiling, Jinyoung waits with bated breath. “Jinyoung-ah,” Jihoon says, voice clear and bouncing off the walls. He swallows, but Jinyoung _knows_ there isn't a lump in his throat.

There was no hesitation in his words- it was obvious he had been contemplating the words for a long time. There was just a sudden want to taste the words in his mouth before it came out, wanting it to be released in the best way possible.

The least painful way.

 

 

“You know hyung doesn't hate you, right?”

A dam opens, a bridge builds. Jinyoung’s mind paces, taken aback by the question. “Jihoon-hyung…” He stares up at the ceiling, eyes watery. He convinces himself it’s from the bright lights against the dark against the midnight sky. He says, “You don’t have to justify your feelings. It’s okay to feel betrayed. I guess I’d feel like you too.”

“Jinyoung-ah, hyung’s sor--" Jihoon’s composure slips on itself and his voice cracks. He’s not choking up because he can't push his pride away to say the words. There’s a stone lodged in his throat called guilt, bile rising with it because of how at peace Jinyoung is with Jihoon hating him.

His Jinyoung would have thrown a fit.

The thought gets chased away by his conscious mind, recognizing there was no line to be drawn between the Jinyoung he became familiar with and the one that sat in front of him. Then again, him hating Jinyoung? Jihoon should have _never_. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should never have pushed you away.”

 _I wonder how I look in your eyes right now,_ Jinyoung doesn't reply. _Do I still look like an imposter? Someone who stole the place of someone you watched over so carefully? I don’t blame you for your anger at all._

He isn't dense, he can see the tense of Jihoon’s shoulders and the downward turn of his eyebrows. The expression was clearly painted on the older’s face. There was no use trying to hide it, Jihoon was on fire, and all the water that could cool him down was Jinyoung’s hold. The words tumble out of his mouth, Jihoon pushing past the barricade he set for himself.

“I’m always worried for you.” Jihoon says.

Jinyoung’s head snaps up from where he has it bowed in what feels like an apology. There’s a caught look in Jinyoung’s eyes, one desperate and in disbelief. The older continues, “Are you sleeping fine? How do you sleep?”

And the words are starting to run on their own will, and Jihoon can't seem to catch them fast enough. So the words go, and he falters. "Just that you always had sleeping problems, which is why I was worried when we got sorted into different rooms.

“It might be too much for me to ask that we room together. I know how much stress that would put on you. Sungwoon hyung tells me you toss and turn at night.” Jihoon’s fingers refuse to stay still, drumming a nameless song onto the table. His body is faced directly towards Jinyoung, but his eyes are diverted. “It breaks my heart.”

Jinyoung whispers, finding his cheek a little damp. “I’m fine, all I need is a little more time.”

“Jinyoung-ah…” Jihoon calls out. Then he repeats the name like a mantra, like a song lyric he can't get enough of, like a quote he wants to dissect. “How many times have I broken your heart, Jinyoung? And yet you forgive, if only I’d ask.”

“Because I li-" Jinyoung stops himself before the words he can't mean push their way out of his mouth. “Because hyung is a precious person to me.”

“It’s not that you're a stranger, Jinyoung-ah. You’re just unfamiliar to me right now, because all I’ve known is all you’ve become.”

He pauses. He can't help it, Jinyoung’s been part and parcel of his daily life. That’s what he tells himself when he tries to convince himself that’s the reason why he blurts it out. Not to find a trace of the Jinyoung’s he’s come to know, but because he _wants_ to. “I wonder how I look in your eyes right now.”

For a moment, Jinyoung is convinced his breath stopped. How could Jihoon say the same thing he had thought? The older smiles wryly, knowing exactly what sparked Jinyoung’s reaction. “You always told me that. That and let the lost be welcomed home.”

 

Once the words register in Jinyoung’s mind, a stabbing pain hits his head like an electric shock, and dialogue starts playing in his head like an old DVD. He shuts his eyes, clutching his skull. The pain is searing, like someone is hammering his head.

 _Hyung thinks you should be in the top 11,_ an echoing voice says. _Really, you swear?_ He hears himself reply. He doesn't know, doesn't understand where it comes from.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon is scrambling from his seat, uncontrollably pressing his lips to the crown of Jinyoung’s head. His fingers press onto Jinyoung’s hair, trying to soothe something he doesn't even _know_.

Letting out a soft cry, Jinyoung presses his hands on his ears. He’s choked up with his throat closing, the inability to comprehend his own memories consuming him. It hurts, it hurts, it _hurts_. He opens his mouth, heaving. Between gasps he starts to talk, the thoughts he had been holding since he woke up from an empty dream finally making their way into another head.

Jihoon was and still is Jinyoung’s sanctuary, so he was sure the words were safe. That he’d get it.

“I’m just so sick of being an outsider. I’m not fragile, hyung. I just want to be treated like nothing happened. Like the Jinyoung you know. I don't feel like me, haven't felt like myself since I lost my memory.

“So hyung…” Jinyoung’s voice is quiet but his confidence is unwavering. The confidence was completely unfounded, but he blames it as an aftereffect of the information loaded onto him in a single night.

“I know you don't--" He refuses to say the word love. “I’m not _your_ Jinyoung but… Could you stay the night with me?”

“What…?” Jihoon asks, trailing in dubiety.

“Please. Just.” Pause. “Love me,” Jinyoung manages between even breaths. He looks up, eyes piercing into Jihoon’s. “Love me til I’m me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For sodubae.
> 
> Last chapter's title taken from VIXX - Love Me Do and this chapter's taken from Madison Beer - all for love. And with this turning point, we can start the real winkdeepness! 
> 
> as usual @neomuverymark on twt.


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